Reconstructing Intimacy When Painful Sex Occurs in a relationship: a male support group perspective

Many women experience painful intercourse at some point in their lives, and this condition can profoundly impact their partners and the overall intimacy within the relationship. When painful sex occurs, couples often find themselves needing to renegotiate their connection, especially in terms of the withdrawer and pursuer dynamics that commonly arise in intimate relationships. While much attention has been given to supporting women who suffer from genital pain, there is minimal information and support available for their partners, despite the significant emotional and relational challenges they face. At the Sex Therapy Clinic at Reut Rehabilitation Hospital in Tel Aviv, Israel, two sex therapists led a pioneering support group specifically designed for men whose partners experience painful sexual intercourse. This was the first male partners’ group of its kind in Israel. The support group not only provided a safe space for men to express their emotions and share experiences but also served as a valuable source of data on the dynamics between withdrawers and pursuers in these relationships. This lecture will explore these withdrawer-pursuer dynamics as reflected in the group’s findings and emphasize the powerful role of therapeutic cards, which I personally designed, to enhance sexual communication. These cards act as a valuable tool to help men overcome barriers to emotional expression and facilitate conversations about sexuality that are often difficult to initiate. Men are frequently socialized from a young age to hide or suppress their emotions, which may contribute to their role as withdrawers in the relationship. However, this dynamic is complex and multifaceted. The support group offers a unique environment where these roles can be explored, challenged, and sometimes transformed. Ultimately, this work underscores the critical need for more inclusive and targeted support for partners dealing with painful intercourse, or sexless relationships and demonstrates the effectiveness of support for men and the powerful effect of innovative tools such as therapeutic cards in fostering sexual communication and intimacy.